Some people, believe it or not, may read Barn Finds and doubt my plans.  However, I believe I have the best plans!  Huge plans!  Great plans that the American people will love!  See, I think I have found the perfect car for the coming mayhem on October 31.  Back when I was a kid, moms would buy their kids some highly flammable plastic costume that had a mask you could neither seen nor breathe through, a plastic pumpkin to stash your candy in, and would drag kids around the neighborhood to collect cheap candy from the neighbors who didn’t want toilet paper adorning their trees the next morning.  Now, very few houses in my neighborhood participate in trick or treating.  The big thing around here is something called “trunk or treat.”  These events are put on by churches, community centers, and even a few businesses in the area, and some are on nights other than Halloween.  To participate, you have to have a set of wheels, and I have found the most ghoulish ride of them all.  Take a gander at this 1963 Plymouth Belvedere station wagon, which I found here on craigslist near Fort Payne, Alabama.  For a measly $3500, you and the neighborhood urchins can arrive at the local trunk or treats in style!

I will admit that this one is a bit rough, but that is all part of the plan.  Most of the parents there will be gliding up in the usual minivans and sport utilities, with a Prius or a Tesla thrown in to make sure you never escape the elitism that so nauseates us all.  Imagine their horror when they hear the 318 cubic inch, gas guzzling, piston clanking, smoke belching monster roar into the parking lot!  The pain wouldn’t stop there, because the whole mob of neighborhood kids would be itching to vomit forth from the many faded and rusty robin’s egg blue doors of this behemoth once the worn out drum brakes help it screech to a stop.  There would be extra points if you could make it backfire on cue like the car from the legendary movie “Uncle Buck.”

Once the urchins had sacked the place, much like the Visigoths did to Rome in 410 AD, it would be time to load up for another raid.  Obviously, you would have to clean it up a little after you bought it, so the kids wouldn’t have to fight the mice to keep their candy.  After all, this wagon has been sitting in the seller’s yard for over 30 years.  Ripping out the carpet, vacuuming and covering the seats, and cleaning the glass would go a long way toward making this one hospitable during a night of candy raiding.  If you really wanted to get fancy, you could use a big hypodermic needle to forcefully inject Febreze into the seat cushions.  Top that off with a few days with the windows open, 24-7, and you may be able to skip treatment for the hantavirus.

Between travelling to and from events, you may have to make some tough decisions.  Sometimes, a kid on a trip can be a big pain in the rear, no matter how fun the adventure is.  If you end up with one of these brats, just say that he won when he calls “Shotgun!”  Then, when he climbs up into the seat, snatch his candy up and threaten to pour it down the big whole in the passenger front floorboard pictured above if he doesn’t straighten up.  There is a matching hole under the drivers feet as well, so you’d best keep your feet on the pedals if you would like to finish the night with them still attached.

The picture above is a horror story of its own.  Motivating this mobile house of terrors is the standard Chrysler Corporation 318 cubic inch V-8.  Believe it or not, this one runs, but the gas tank is shot.  If you look in some of the other pictures, you see a bottle of gasoline fastened to the antenna on the passenger fender, with a plastic line snaking back to the carburetor.  You will probably want to make a more permanent fix for this problem, as it is no fun being stuck on the side of the road with a car full of kids jacked up on Snickers bars.  I’d also look at finding a cover for that air cleaner assembly and fixing the inoperable brakes.  Side swiping Priuses and Teslas to slow your progress is frowned upon behavior in most states.

All and all, I think this is a solid plan.  While the initial price of the car is a little steep, I’ll bet this guy would give you a break on the price if you shared the plan with him.  The kids would love it, because they would get a ton of candy out of the deal (minus, of course, your 20% drivers fee).  You would also be a hero, because you would be that neighborhood parent that lets their inner hooligan rage.  When the whole thing was over, you would still have a cool ride to bomb around in.  And if you think this plan is a stroke of pure genius, just wait until Christmas time!

Are you with us?